joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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GeoffB
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Re: joke of the day

Post by GeoffB » Sun Jan 27, 2008 11:41 pm

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW approached him along a dirt track, with a cloud of dust in its wake.

The driver, a young man in a Saville Row suit, Gucci shoes and Ray Ban sunglasses, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "OK."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out the latest ultra-thin notebook and connected it to his 3G phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He then sent an email attaching his screen capture and a short piece of text, and after a few minutes, received a response on his Blackberry, which he adds to his spreadsheet. Finally, he prints out a 50 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, looks at the last page then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although I didn't ask you to. You wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

And you obviously don't know anything about my business. ...Now give me back my dog."


Geoff :wink:
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astaroth

Re: joke of the day

Post by astaroth » Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:07 am

haha ouch thats a sharp dig

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Michael
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Michael » Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:47 am

Ha ha! Noice one Geoff! :lol: (imitates country accent...)
All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.
(Frank Zappa)

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Vesuvio
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Vesuvio » Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:58 am

Excellent!

Best wishes, V :D
"There are only two things worth aiming for, good music and a clean conscience." Paul Hindemith

Gus C

Re: joke of the day

Post by Gus C » Mon Jan 28, 2008 1:23 pm

Q. What do you call a tall Scotsman with size 16 feet and no dog?

A. Big Shuggie Douglas.

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Re: joke of the day

Post by soltirefa » Wed Jan 30, 2008 3:08 pm

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him, "Doc, I have a terrible problem with gas ... but fortunately it doesn't smell."

The doctor replies, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is operate on your nose."

fink23

Re: joke of the day

Post by fink23 » Wed Jan 30, 2008 7:19 pm

What black and smoking and hangs off a valve guitar amp??

Guitar player trying to bias his own amp! :lol:

solidtop

Re: joke of the day

Post by solidtop » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:41 pm

A man goes to the doctor with a frog growing out of his forehead. "When did this start?" asked the doctor.
"It all started with boil on my backside" said the frog. :mrgreen:

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Vesuvio
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Vesuvio » Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:35 pm

Hi Solidtop,

:grire: I enjoyed that one!

Thanks, V :D
"There are only two things worth aiming for, good music and a clean conscience." Paul Hindemith

solidtop

Re: joke of the day

Post by solidtop » Sat Feb 02, 2008 8:35 pm

Little Red Ridding Hood is skipping through the forest when she sees the big bad wolf crouching behind a log, "Oh what big ears you have." The wolf, looking annoyed, scampers off. Further along she sees the wolf behind a rock, "Oh what big eyes you have." Foiled again the wolf runs off. Some time latter she notices the wolf behind a tree, "Oh what big teeth you have" With that the wolf jumps up and shouts "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!" :bye:

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Vesuvio
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Vesuvio » Sun Feb 03, 2008 8:31 am

Hi Solidtop,

That reminds me of a book I saw once, an alternative to the "Three Little Pigs" story in which they conspire to murder the big, bad wolf—who had only called around to borrow a cup of sugar,

All the best, V :D
"There are only two things worth aiming for, good music and a clean conscience." Paul Hindemith

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Vesuvio
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Vesuvio » Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:02 am

Almost a week and no additions to this thread. I heard this one the other day, I've heard it before about different sports but this time it is rugby:
Ianto had turned up with the faithful to watch Wales take on England but he had a very poor seat high up in a distant corner of the Millennium Stadium. Looking through his binoculars, he noticed an empty seat on the half way line. Rather than see such a great seat wasted, he raced over.

When he arrived, Ianto checked with the man sitting in the next seat, "Is this seat free, please?"

The man answered, "This would have been my dear wife's seat. She died. She always turned out to watch Wales."

Ianto responded, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. But why you didn't give her ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Best wishes, V :)
"There are only two things worth aiming for, good music and a clean conscience." Paul Hindemith

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GeoffB
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Re: joke of the day

Post by GeoffB » Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:18 pm

:grire: Good one, Vesuvio!

Here's another. (Incidentally I had to look up a couple of terms that may be unfamiliar to some. A Swede saw is what I think we call a bow saw in the UK, ie a manual saw for cutting up small trees. A cord is an amount of wood cut for burning, equivalent to 128 cubic feet.)



Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a living going on 50 years. He averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college and watching him work remarked, "You could probably cut 10 times as much if you bought yourself a chainsaw."

"Not interested in those new fangled things," Jake responded.

His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right; his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day. So he went into town and bought a brand new top-of-the-line chainsaw.

The first couple days were not very productive - he only cut one cord each day. By the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. "This is not working," he thought to himself, "My son said I should be able to cut 10 cords a day. I'm taking this stupid thing back."

The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his lack of production. "Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad. Let's start it up," the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord.

"What the hell is that noise?" Jake hollered.



Geoff
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BFGuitar

Re: joke of the day

Post by BFGuitar » Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:29 pm

Why was Kepler such a good janitor? Because he swept an equal area every time.

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GeoffB
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Re: joke of the day

Post by GeoffB » Sun Feb 10, 2008 10:33 pm

BFGUITAR wrote:Why was Kepler such a good janitor? Because he swept an equal area every time.
Clever! Though since I explained what a swede saw was, the least you could do is explain the laws of planetary motion for us :mrgreen:

That reminds me indirectly of a quote, allegedly from a child's essay, which went something like:

"Astronomy is looking up in the sky and seeing stars. Astrology is looking up in the sky and seeing scorpions and virgins and other spooky creatures."

(Sorry, should be in the Daily Quote thread really, but I couldn't help myself :wink: )

Geoff
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