joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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pogmoor
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Re: joke of the day

Post by pogmoor » Wed Sep 19, 2018 2:42 pm

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and one eye shut?

A winky wonky donkey

...playing the piano?

A plinky plonky winky wonky donkey

...in the style of the American deep south?

a honkey tonkey plinky plonky winky wonky donkey.
Eric from GuitarLoot
Renaissance and Baroque freak; classical guitars by Lester Backshall (2008), Ramirez (Guitarra del Tiempo 2017),
Yamaha (SLG 130NW silent classical guitar 2014).

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Thu Sep 20, 2018 6:49 am

:lol:

Love it!
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

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doug
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Re: joke of the day

Post by doug » Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:21 pm

I suddenly realized that I hadn’t taken the keys out of the ignition, so I turned around and walked briskly back across the parking lot. My husband has warned me about leaving the keys in the car. I got where the car had been parked, and it was gone! I called the police and reported it stolen, then made one of the most difficult calls I’ve ever made....to my husband. When I told him, he said, “Are you kidding me? I dropped you off! Don’t you remember?” I paused a moment and said,”...well come get me!” “I will,” he said, “just as soon as I can convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damned car!”
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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Sep 27, 2018 9:06 am

First time

It's nice to tell us:
It's the length or the size that counts and the motivation! also.
I say: "This is the first time that counts"!

What is big or small, still need to know how to use it!
A little to the right, a little to the left, it's not won in advance.

If it succeeds, it makes you want to come back, but if it's missed we are disappointed ...
The girlfriends tell us however that it is not difficult .... That it is necessary to put a little heart there, that it is enough to concentrate.
Before, back, once, twice, three times ... Repetitive and tiresome.

And do not last too long, especially the first time.
When the emotion is at its height, we quickly made everything mess!

When it starts to go wrong, I give up.
We will get there ? or not ?

But if the first time it's Byzantium, that we won at first, we think that in the end,
It's not that difficult, to park by car !!!
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Sep 27, 2018 5:53 pm

MISSING PERSON Report


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home !
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't
know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2016, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited
4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge
option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather
heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has
a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats.
Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS
navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six
cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy
wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running
boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Sep 27, 2018 5:55 pm

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f#**%g! retard!!!!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Sep 27, 2018 5:58 pm

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out
Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband. 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.“
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Sep 27, 2018 6:00 pm

Computers 101

The oldest Computer can be traced back To Adam and Eve:

It was an Apple; but with extremely limited memory; Just 1 byte:

Then everything crashed.
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Sep 27, 2018 6:06 pm

Revenge of the old folks.

60 years together.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1, 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today ."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

Its nothing," said the father "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too .. ."
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Sep 27, 2018 6:11 pm

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said "Would you please press one?"

So I did. I don't remember much after that.
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

ChristianSchwengeler
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Re: joke of the day

Post by ChristianSchwengeler » Fri Sep 28, 2018 8:07 pm

Best CG thread so far... :D I do really apreciate your jokes

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:15 am

Love em...thanks for posting.

Guitralchemist,
David :lol:
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Muse: chg pitch measure rhym feel tempo improvise melody harmonize arpeggios stucco your legato & practice

Dieter Hopf '92
Yulong Chamber '17
Bozo 135

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sun Sep 30, 2018 3:03 pm

The parking

An old lady wishing to park her car finally sees a place available. She does the necessary maneuvers but ... suddenly ... A sports car is sneaking at high speed in "her" parking space. A young fate of the automobile all proud and said to the lady:
- YOUNG and FAST!

The vexed lady then backs her car to gain momentum and returns at full speed in the car of the young. She said to the young man with a smile:
- OLD and RICH!

:wink:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Mon Oct 01, 2018 6:00 am

At the end of the rollers

A tenant decides to remake his apartment. He begins to take steps to find out how many wallpaper rolls to buy, but he gets lost. And all of a sudden, he remembers that his top neighbor, who has exactly the same apartment, has done his own three months earlier. He goes up to see him and asks him:
- How many 10-meter rolls did you take?
- Twenty eight.

So he buys twenty-eight rolls, and he sticks his paper. But when the apartment is finished, he has six rolls left.

He goes back to his neighbor and says:
- I do not understand. I lined the entire apartment, and I still have six rolls ...
- Well, I'm the same! ...

:P
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

Rick Hutt
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Rick Hutt » Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:15 pm

I don't like to brag, but over the weekend I was told I'm a fine one to talk.
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