joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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oski79
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Re: joke of the day

Post by oski79 » Fri Oct 19, 2018 2:26 pm

Jack and Arnie are long time golf partners, going back 4-5 decades. So they're getting up there in years. One day, on the first tee, Jack reminds Arnie "Hey, you know I can't really see the ball that well, so help me out." He tees off, asks Arnie where it went, and Arnie says, "I see it."

Arnie tees off and they head down the fairway. After awhile, Jack thinks we should have come to it by now.

"Hey, Arnie, where's my ball?"

Arnie: "I forget."
“People may say I can’t sing, but no one can ever say I didn’t sing.” --Florence Foster Jenkins

Buster

Re: joke of the day

Post by Buster » Fri Oct 19, 2018 2:35 pm

I decided to take scuba diving lessons, on the boat getting ready to enter the water I asked the instructor why we have to roll backwards into the sea ? He gave me a puzzled look and said “ if we rolled forwards we’d end up back in the boat !”

Edavid
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Edavid » Mon Oct 22, 2018 5:22 am

Two men were at a buffet line. As they were approaching the end of the line, there was a food warmer platter of fish fillets. There were only 2 fillets left on the platter, one larger and the other quite small. The man in front went to the fish fillet platter and took the large piece. The man in the back was disappointed he was going to end up with the small piece of fish, and said: "If I were you, I would have taken the small piece and left the big one for someone else." The man in front then said: "Ok, looks like you got what you wanted."

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Thu Oct 25, 2018 7:00 am

:lol:

I got it...took a while.
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dng
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Re: joke of the day

Post by dng » Thu Oct 25, 2018 5:51 pm

I got it...took a while.
it would be a bit easier if the last sentence as this:

The man in front handle him the small piece of fish and said: "Here take this and go in front of me"

:D
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Mark_Steed
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Mark_Steed » Fri Oct 26, 2018 4:41 pm

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Oct 26, 2018 6:18 pm

It's not love that?


Two little old women cross each other in the street

- How are you Marguerite?

- Oh ! I do not feel good ... I just lost my husband!

- Oh! What happened ?

- I sent him to the garden to get carrots and leeks to make soup. He was seized with discomfort. I called for help, when they arrived, he was already dead. A heart attack…

- What did you do then?

- Pasta… !…………………….

:roll:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

Andrew Pohlman
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Pohlman » Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:36 pm

Isabelle Frizac wrote:
Fri Oct 26, 2018 6:18 pm
It's not love that?


Two little old women cross each other in the street

- How are you Marguerite?

- Oh ! I do not feel good ... I just lost my husband!

- Oh! What happened ?

- I sent him to the garden to get carrots and leeks to make soup. He was seized with discomfort. I called for help, when they arrived, he was already dead. A heart attack…

- What did you do then?

- Pasta… !…………………….

:roll:
LOLZ! This is why I always try to treat my wife with love and kindness. I'd hate to think her plans the day of my myocardial infarction would be to order out! :D
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:32 am

Andrew Pohlman wrote:
Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:36 pm
I always try to treat my wife with love and kindness.
Did I mention I'm taking all my money with me! I've instructed my wife to cash everything out and put the check in my casket!
I might have mentioned it before. :D
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Muse: chg pitch measure rhym feel tempo improvise melody harmonize arpeggios stucco your legato & practice

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sat Oct 27, 2018 7:40 am

The unfinished symphony


A company president receives a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Incomplete Symphony. Unable to attend, he passes the invitation to Didier G., his Director of Human Resources. Only condition, that the HRD makes him a memo on the quality of the concert.
The next morning, the president finds on his desk the report of Didier G., the HRD:

1 - the four oboe players remain inactive for considerable periods. It is therefore necessary to reduce their number and distribute their work throughout the symphony, so as to reduce peaks of inactivity.

2 - the twelve violins all play identical notes. This excessive duplication seems useless, it would be good to drastically reduce the size of this section of the orchestra. If you have to produce a high volume sound, you can get it through an electronic amplifier.

3 - the orchestra devotes a considerable effort to the production of triple quavers. This seems to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended to round all notes to the nearest 16th note. In doing so, it should be possible to use trainees and low-skilled operators.

4 - the repetition by the horns of the passage already performed by the strings is not necessary. If all the redundant passages of this type were eliminated, it would be possible to reduce the duration of the concert from two hours to twenty minutes.

We can conclude, Mr President, that if Schubert had paid attention to these remarks, he would have been able to finish his symphony.

Didier G.
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Fri Nov 02, 2018 3:18 pm

EMBARASSING BUT TRUE MEDICAL STORIES

> 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . '
> My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.
> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and
> began to take off her underwear.
> Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the
> wrong one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
> San Francisco
>
>
> 2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient s anterior chest wall.
> ' Big breaths, ' I instructed.
> ' Yes, they used to be, ' . . . replied the patient.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
> Seattle , WA
>
>
> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
> family that he had died of a ' massive internal fart. '
>
> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
>
>
> 4. During a patient ' s two week follow-up appointment with his
> cardiologist, he informed
> me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his medications.
>
> 'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. ' The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! '
>
> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
> the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
> new one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
> Norfolk , VA
>
>
> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How
> long have you been bedridden? '
>
> After a look of complete confusion she answered . . 'Why, not for about
> twenty years - when my husband was alive. '
>
> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
> Corvallis , OR
>
>
> 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
> up on a man I asked . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's
> very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the
> taste.' . Bob replied.
>
> I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ' KY
> Jelly. '
>
> Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
> Detroit ,
>
>
> 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
> purple hair styled
> into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
> strange clothing,
> entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
> appendicitis, so she was
> scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the
> operating
> table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above
> it there was a
> tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '
>
> Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
> patient's dressing,
> which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '
>
> Submitted by RN no name,
>
> AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
>
>
> 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
> embarrassed when performing female
> pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a
> habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
> out laughing
> and further embarrassing me
>
> I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I
> tickling you? '
> She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
>
> ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an
> Oscar Meyer Wiener . '
>
> Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
>
>
>
> 1 MORE
>
>
>
> Baby's First Doctor Visit
>
> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
> doctor to come in for the baby ' s first exam.
>
> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
> little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,
> ' she replied..
>
> ' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
>
> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
> for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby
> is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
>
> I know,' she said, ' I'm his Grandma,
>
> But I ' m glad I came
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

TheGreatKat
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Re: joke of the day

Post by TheGreatKat » Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:41 pm

Do you know this one (and I heard this is true story):

Music teacher asks child: What is the name of this sign next to the note?
And child answers: It's hashtag! :)

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pogmoor
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Re: joke of the day

Post by pogmoor » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:32 pm

The world's leading expert on European wasps walked into a vinyl record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have "European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2........ I believe it was released this week?”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it ?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is shameful false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The Manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over."What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way on earth that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and recognises the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side!"
Eric from GuitarLoot
Renaissance and Baroque freak; classical guitars by Lester Backshall (2008), Ramirez (Guitarra del Tiempo 2017),
Yamaha (SLG 130NW silent classical guitar 2014).

robjh22
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Re: joke of the day

Post by robjh22 » Sat Nov 10, 2018 2:37 pm

Man is driving his horse-drawn cart out in the country, his dog on the seat next to him. The horse, out of nowhere, says, "Sure is hot today!"

The man, astonished, says aloud, "I didn't know horses could talk!"

Dog says, "Neither did I."

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:58 am

Medical consultation

A couple goes to the sexologist.
he asks the doctor to watch them make love.
in the end the doctor tells them that everything is normal, the couple pays 40 euros and leaves.
2 days later, they come back and rebelote, and there, still nothing, it repeats to them that all is well
after five visits the doctor asks them why they come back, since everything is normal!
And the man answers:
she is married and me too, if we go to the hotel, it costs us 85 euros, here we only pay 40 and the health insurance reimburses me 35 ...

:bye:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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