joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Tue Nov 13, 2018 7:48 am

Global warming
!cid_image006_jpg@01D4649D.jpg
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keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Nov 15, 2018 7:05 am

Coral Super Service

In the cafeteria, Jacques tells Daniel:
- My elbow hurts me to death, I think I'll have to go see my doctor.
- Listen, at Corail Super Service, there is a counter for diagnoses. You just have to provide a urine sample, and 10 euros. It's faster and cheaper than at the doctor's.

Jacques goes to "Corail Super Service" and deposits his urine sample, his money and he awaits the result.
Fifteen seconds later, the computer prints the result:
- You have a Tennis Elbow (epicondylitis). Dip your elbow in warm water, avoid heavy work and everything will be better in about two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Corail Super Service.

Jacques wonders how a computer can be so strong.
So he goes back with a sample of tap water in which he mixed the urine of his dog, his wife and his daughter and, also, some of his sperm.

Arrived at "Corail Super Service", he deposited the sample, 10 euros and waiting for the result. After thirty seconds, the computer prints this:
- The water from your faucet is too hard: buy a water softener, you will find it in row 9.
- Your dog has fleas: wash it with a shampoo that you will find in row 7.
- Your daughter has problems with cocaine: you can find books that can give you
some good advice on how to tackle the problem, at our bookshelf in row 3.
- Your wife is expecting twins and you are not the father: go to a lawyer
approved by "Corail Super Service", in the shopping mall.
- Now, if you do not stop masturbating, your elbow will never heal ...
- Thank you for visiting Corail Super Service.
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sat Nov 17, 2018 7:29 am

Confucius said: "The man who sees a mosquito on his testicles, understands that we can not solve everything by violence."
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Nov 23, 2018 5:21 pm

Skiing

It is a husband and his wife who spend a week skiing.

While they are in the gondola to go up to 3000 meters, the woman says in the ear of her husband that she has a URGENT need to pee. The husband tells him not to worry there is always a chalet restaurant at the arrival of the gondola. But on arrival, the chalet restaurant is closed ...

And here is the lady legs even tighter. Seeing, during the descent, that his wife can not do anything good, the husband suggests to him to find the first group of rocks, and satisfy this pressing need. He said to her, "Do not be afraid, anyway, no one will spot you with your white outfit!" ".

Then the woman will settle, but she keeps the skis shod, unfortunately for her!
As the skis begin to slip and she goes down the slope, backwards and more, the ass to the air and the ski pants on the knees. She picks up speed, and as she has no way to move, she continues straight, ass first. Finally, she hits a pylon.

And still lacking luck she breaks an arm in the story and she can not pull up her ski pants. It is only when her husband comes to join her that her nakedness can finally be hidden from the eyes of the public.

Then, the rescuers come to get it with the snowmobile and the stretcher; she is brought down the tracks, then transported to the hospital. On the spot, we put a plaster on her arm, then we place it in the room of a guy who has his leg in the cast.

She starts the conversation: "How did you break your leg?
The guy answers: "It's an amazing story! I was on a chairlift to climb to the top of the slopes when I saw a woman down a ski slope, the naked bottom in the air, the ski pants lowered on the knees, and in addition, backwards!
To see better, I stooped but did not realize I was too leaning off the chairlift, and I fell. Where my tibia fracture ...
And you, how did you break your arm? "."


:chaud:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Pulgar
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Pulgar » Sat Nov 24, 2018 6:24 pm

[revised]
Last edited by Pulgar on Sun Nov 25, 2018 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sat Nov 24, 2018 6:57 pm

Pulgar wrote:
Sat Nov 24, 2018 6:24 pm
Women are like phones. They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and you get disconnected.
still a sexist joke :twisted:

Another joke for you :mrgreen:

First time with a bodybuilder

A bodybuilder takes a girl to her room and begins to undress.
Every time he takes off a garment, he shows one of his muscles, saying: "Do you see that? It's dynamite !
Touches a little these pectorals, dynamite;
And my biceps, dynamite;
Test these dorsals a little, dynamite;
Supports on the thighs, that's dynamite;

When he finishes undressing, the girl asks him:
- Say, is not it dangerous all this dynamite with such a small wick ?

:bye:
Last edited by Isabelle Frizac on Sun Nov 25, 2018 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sat Nov 24, 2018 10:30 pm

This is the story of a reporter from La Croix who reports on elections in a country of the former Soviet Union called Talbukistan. On the sidelines of his report, he travels the country in search of local scoops and, in a village at the foot of a mountain, he meets an old man on a bench who, by chance, speaks a little French.
- So, my brave, can you tell me a typical anecdote of your village?
"One day," replies the old man, "a goat is lost in the mountains. All the men of the village looked for her and after 3 days they found her. So, according to custom, they had sex with the goat.
- With a goat ?! Uh, excuse me, said the journalist, but I can not publish such a story in La Croix! Do not you have another story to tell?
- Yes, says the old man. One day, a woman got lost in the mountains. All the men went in search of her and when they found her, according to the custom of the village, they had sex with the woman.
- Sorry, says the reporter, but here I'm having problems with feminist movements. Please try to tell me a more personal story ...
The old man thinks a moment, then begins in a deep voice:
- One day, I lost myself in the mountains ...
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Mon Nov 26, 2018 5:34 am

I went to the dentist the other day; sat down in the dentist chair. Dentist said open your mouth wide and close your eyes if you have to (I've always been afraid of needles). So I leaned back in the chair, got comfortable and opened my mouth. The dentist said: "You'll only feel a little prick."
I got up and left!


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3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Mon Nov 26, 2018 5:46 am

I went to another dentist. The dentist said: "Would you like a shot to numb the pain?"
I said I hate needles and have a great fear of them.

Dentist said we have a mask you can wear to help deaden the pain. I told him I have a great fear of gas and can't wear one.

So he brought out a pill. I asked him what kind of pill it was. He said it was a Viagra. I said "What!"

He said: "Yes, take the pill, you'll have something to hold on to."



Stay loose,
Guitralchemist
David :fume:
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Muse: chg pitch measure rhym feel tempo improvise melody harmonize arpeggios stucco your legato & practice

Carrillo Concert
Yulong Chamber '17
Bozo 123

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Nov 29, 2018 8:03 am

After driving license

A young man had just obtained his driver's license.

So he asks his father if they could discuss together the use of the family car ...

His father brings him to his office and offers him the following market:
"You improve your school performance, you study the Bible and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car. "

A month later, the boy returns to the charge and, again, his father takes him to his office. The father does not take long to speak.

"My son, I am very proud of you. It's much better at school; you focused on the Bible more than I thought you would, but you did not cut your hair. "

The young replica:
"You know, dad, I thought about that ... Samson had long hair ... Moses had long hair ... Noah had long hair ... and Jesus had long hair."

And all of a sudden, the father replies:
"And they moved on foot! "
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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dng
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Re: joke of the day

Post by dng » Thu Nov 29, 2018 11:42 pm

"And they moved on foot! "
well... the son will have hard time to understand if he saw this...
wheels of life.jpg
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"Nothing is more beautiful than a guitar, save perhaps two.”
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Fri Nov 30, 2018 5:54 am

Isabelle Frizac wrote:
Thu Nov 29, 2018 8:03 am
After driving license

A young man had just obtained his driver's license.

So he asks his father if they could discuss together the use of the family car ...

His father brings him to his office and offers him the following market:
"You improve your school performance, you study the Bible and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car. "

A month later, the boy returns to the charge and, again, his father takes him to his office. The father does not take long to speak.

"My son, I am very proud of you. It's much better at school; you focused on the Bible more than I thought you would, but you did not cut your hair. "

The young replica:
"You know, dad, I thought about that ... Samson had long hair ... Moses had long hair ... Noah had long hair ... and Jesus had long hair."

And all of a sudden, the father replies:
"And they moved on foot! "
:lol:
Good joke...thanks, telling it to one of my grand-kids who has been bugging me to use the car.
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Muse: chg pitch measure rhym feel tempo improvise melody harmonize arpeggios stucco your legato & practice

Carrillo Concert
Yulong Chamber '17
Bozo 123

Rick Hutt
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Rick Hutt » Fri Nov 30, 2018 2:01 pm

A lady was driving along Route 40 outside Gallup, New Mexico and saw her friend, a Navajo lady, walking beside the road. She pulled over and asked, "Mrs. Nez, would you like a ride. Mrs. Nez nodded silently and got in the car . After a few miles of silence, Mrs. Nez looked in the back seat and noticed a dog. "New dog?", she asked. The driver responded, "Yes. I got him for my husband". A minute or so later, Mrs. Nez said, "Good trade".
2010 Pimentel & Sons Concert Grand
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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Dec 06, 2018 8:13 am

Tax audit on a farm in Vosges (France)

This farmer of the Vosges receives the unexpected visit of a tax inspector, because it would appear that he does not pay his staff properly.

- I would like to see the list of your employees and their payslips, says the inspecto
- Of course, says the farmer, who takes him to his office and places a small binder in front of him:

- First there is the farm boy: he works 35 hours a week and I pay 1200 Euros a month plus housing and cover.
He turns a page of his workbook and continues:
- Then the cook: she works 30 hours a week and I pay 1100 euros per month plus housing and covered.
He closes his file and continues:
- And finally, there is the simpleton ...

"The simpleton," said the controller questioningly.
- Yes, he works 18 hours / day, 126 hours / week, performs 80% of the work on the farm, I give him 200 Euros per month, but he pays for food and housing. Saturday night I buy him a bottle of Whiskey and on occasion, he sleeps with my wife!
- Aaaah! said the inspector, rubbing his hands, that's what I want to see
- Well he is in front of you ***, said the farmer ... it's me!


history, alas, too often true
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Pulgar
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MUSICAL TERMS YOU MAY NOT KNOW

Post by Pulgar » Fri Dec 14, 2018 4:56 pm

MUSICAL TERMS YOU MAY NOT KNOW

ALLEREGRETTO: When you're 16 measures Into the piece and suddenly realize you set a too-fast tempo

ANGUS DEI: To play, with a divinely beefy tone

A PATELLA: Accompanied by knee-slapping

APOLOGGIATURA: A composition that you regret playing

APPROXIMATURA: A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that" attitude

APPROXIMENTO: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch

DILL PICCOLINI: An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes

FERMANTRA: A note held over and over and over and over and...

FIDDLER CRABS: Grumpy string players

FLUTE FLIES: Those tiny insects that bother musicians in outdoor gigs

FRUGALHORN: A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument

GAUL BLATTER: A French horn player

GREGORIAN CHAMP: The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest

PLACEBO DOMINGO: A faux tenor

SPRITZICATO: An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and bubbly sound

TEMPO TANTRUM: What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor

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