joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:15 pm

Congratulations on this new musical lexicon :bravo:

And for X compositions: :oops:

- allegro erotico
-porno ma non troppo
- erotico furioso

No need to translate! :contrat:

:bye:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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cefyn
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Re: joke of the day

Post by cefyn » Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:25 pm

Here's a joke from my 79 year old mum:
A man goes to the doctors, walks up to the receptionist and says,
"I want to see the doctor" Receptionist says,
"What's wrong with you?" Man says,
"There's something wrong with my Dick" Receptionist says
"You can't say that - you'll upset people - there are children over there who can hear you - say something less offensive, like your ear" Man says,
"Can I see the doctor, please?" Receptionist says,
"What's wrong with you?" Man says,
"There's something wrong with my ear" Receptionist says,
"What's wrong with your ear?" Man says,
"I can't pee out of it!"

Cef
1983 Robert Cross Spruce & IRW

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:00 am

A man lies dying; his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess”

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes”....
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:03 am

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
BugDog
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:06 am

Some thoughts to ponder in your spare time.




If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent or food bills for the next 10 years , whether or not you are successful.

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside down is still "swims".

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

100 yrs ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had 2 yrs to live in 1953 are probably dead.

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".
BugDog
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:08 am

Barbershop


A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.


A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours.."

The guy left.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.


The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."



A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
BugDog
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:11 am

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that

she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum

of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!

You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 15, 2018 3:21 am

The monk

A man was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being unable to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.

A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception. "The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound

......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

>
BugDog
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chuckinphoenix
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Re: joke of the day

Post by chuckinphoenix » Sun Dec 16, 2018 6:01 pm

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.
If you ain't the lead dog the scenery never changes.

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Evocacion
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Evocacion » Sun Dec 16, 2018 10:58 pm

A guru approaches a hot-dog street vendor.
'Make me one with everything', he orders.
The vendor complies, and hands over the hot-dog, accepting a 20 dollar bill from the guru, which he pockets.
'What about my change?'asks the guru.
'Change comes from within' says the vendor.

quavers
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Re: joke of the day

Post by quavers » Tue Dec 25, 2018 7:04 pm

Molto divertente! :lol:

sv_07
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Re: joke of the day

Post by sv_07 » Thu Dec 27, 2018 9:41 am

For those who love absurd (English?) jokes.
An Englishman went to Africa. One day, going thru the jungle he found a small elephant trapped in the thickets, wounded and suffering. He took him home, cured him, fed until the elephant fully recovered. Then he let the elephant free and returned to London.
Several years passed. One day the circus came to London. Our gentleman bought the ticket in the first row. Trained animals showed various tricks. The time has come for elephants. They were doing their tricks when one of the elephants spotted the gentleman. He ran to him, lifted his trunk, hit the gentleman on the head and killed him. Because it was not THAT elephant.

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Granary Guitars
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Granary Guitars » Fri Jan 25, 2019 12:13 pm

Old Rugby Players Never Die ...

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:09 pm

The Locker Room at The Golf Club

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000 They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
BugDog
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Granary Guitars
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Granary Guitars » Sun Jan 27, 2019 11:52 am

In the Soviet Union, as Lenin’s anniversary was approaching, the Moscow Arts Committee launched a contest asking painters to celebrate the great founder of the Communist state for an exhibit at the Kremlin.

Many painters submitted their works; however, before the opening of the exhibit, members of the Committee had to give their approval, and visited the Kremlin for a viewing. They stopped before a grand painting entitled “Lenin Arriving to Russia at the Finland Station” (in St. Petersburg), by Alexandr Matveyevich Dyatelev.

“Magnificent, comrade. This shall be on show!”

Next they admired a huge painting entitled “Lenin Giving a Speech at the 12th Congress of the Communist Party“, by Pavel Alexeyevich Solovyov. “Another masterpiece. Thank you comrade”.

And so they went approving some, rejecting others, and were ready to leave when, by the exit door, they noticed a small painting entitled “Lenin in Poland” by Isaac Shmilovich Bernstein. The painting showed a small room and two naked bodies on a narrow bed. They summoned comrade Bernstein urgently.

“What is this? Who is the woman?” “Well, the woman is Nadezhda Konstantinovna Krupskaya, comrade Lenin’s wife”.
“And who is the man?” “Comrades, the man is Lev Davidovich Trotsky, comrade Lenin’s friend and fellow revolutionary.”
“But, but…where is Lenin?”

“Ah, Lenin is in Poland”.

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