joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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Granary Guitars
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Granary Guitars » Sun Jan 27, 2019 11:52 am

In the Soviet Union, as Lenin’s anniversary was approaching, the Moscow Arts Committee launched a contest asking painters to celebrate the great founder of the Communist state for an exhibit at the Kremlin.

Many painters submitted their works; however, before the opening of the exhibit, members of the Committee had to give their approval, and visited the Kremlin for a viewing. They stopped before a grand painting entitled “Lenin Arriving to Russia at the Finland Station” (in St. Petersburg), by Alexandr Matveyevich Dyatelev.

“Magnificent, comrade. This shall be on show!”

Next they admired a huge painting entitled “Lenin Giving a Speech at the 12th Congress of the Communist Party“, by Pavel Alexeyevich Solovyov. “Another masterpiece. Thank you comrade”.

And so they went approving some, rejecting others, and were ready to leave when, by the exit door, they noticed a small painting entitled “Lenin in Poland” by Isaac Shmilovich Bernstein. The painting showed a small room and two naked bodies on a narrow bed. They summoned comrade Bernstein urgently.

“What is this? Who is the woman?” “Well, the woman is Nadezhda Konstantinovna Krupskaya, comrade Lenin’s wife”.
“And who is the man?” “Comrades, the man is Lev Davidovich Trotsky, comrade Lenin’s friend and fellow revolutionary.”
“But, but…where is Lenin?”

“Ah, Lenin is in Poland”.

Rick Hutt
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Rick Hutt » Thu Feb 07, 2019 2:43 pm

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You think that's a coincidence?
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montana
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Re: joke of the day

Post by montana » Fri Feb 08, 2019 7:01 am

Hey, I've got you a date for Valentine's day.
February 14th

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Feb 08, 2019 7:22 pm

I gave a call to a friend and asked him what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "the aqua-thermal treatment
ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel in a
constrained environment. "

I was impressed…

To understand, I asked him for clarification and he told me that, in fact,
he washed the dishes in hot water ... under the supervision of his wife.

:contrat:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sat Feb 09, 2019 6:40 am

I told this to my grandson and he was not impressed...probably before his time.


A frog walks into a bank and hops up to the first teller and says he wants to apply for a loan.
The teller politely informs him that she doesn't make loans and he would have to see Ms. Paddy Wack in the loan department.

So, the frog hops over to the friendly loan department and jumps on the desk and asks the loan officer if she can give him a loan.
The loan officer, Ms Paddy Wack, asks the frog what he wants the loan for. The frog says he needs to buy some dried flies to stock up for the winter.

The loan officer tells the frog the bank only makes loans with collateral and he would have to have some to back up the loan. So the frog goes home and brings back his collateral in a brown paper bag. The loan officer, Ms. Patty Wack, opens the bag and is shocked; she just can't figure out what's in the bag.

At that very moment, as fate would have it, the bank manager was walking by the loan department and overheard the conversation. He looked in the bag and said: "It's a nick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

Stay loose,
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David :fume:
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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Feb 14, 2019 4:22 pm

A bit of politics (to change!)

SOCIALISM
-You have 2 cows. Your neighbors help you take care of it and you share the milk.

COMMUNISM
-You have 2 cows. The government takes both and supplies you with milk.

FASCISM
-You have 2 cows. The government takes both of them and sells you the milk.

NAZISM
-You have 2 cows. The government takes you the blonde cow and kills the brunette.

DICTATORSHIP:
-You have 2 cows. The militia confiscate them and shoot you.

FEUDALISM
-You have 2 cows. The Lord arrogates to himself half the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
-You have 2 cows. An election designates who will decide who owns the milk.

DEMOCRACY OF SINGAPORE
-You have 2 cows. You are fined for keeping livestock in an apartment.

ANARCHY
-You have 2 cows. You let them milk themselves.

CAPITALISM
-You have 2 cows. You sell one, and you buy a bull to make little ones.

CAPITALISM OF HONG KONG
-You have 2 cows. You sell 3 to your publicly traded company using your brother-in-law's credentials from your bank. Then you make an "exchange of letters against participation", accompanied by a public offer, and you recover 4 cows in the operation while benefiting from a tax abatement for the maintenance of 5 cows.

The milk rights of 6 cows are then transferred by a Panamanian intermediary to the account of a company in the Cayman Islands, held illegally by a shareholder who resells your rights to the milk of 7 cows to your listed company. The company's report includes 8 ruminants, with option to purchase an additional animal.
In the meantime you shoot down the 2 cows because their horoscope is unfavorable

WILD CAPITALISM
-You have 2 cows. You sell one, you force the other to produce like four, and you fired the worker who took care of it by accusing him of being useless.

BUREAUCRACY
-You have 2 cows. The government publishes hygiene rules that invite you to kill one. After which he makes you declare the quantity of milk you have been milking with the other, he buys the milk and throws it away. Finally, you are given forms to declare the missing cow.

ECOLOGY
-You have 2 cows. You keep the milk and the government buys you the dung.

FEMINISM
-You have 2 cows. The government is fining you for discrimination. You exchange one of your cows for a bull that you milk too.

SURREALISM
-You have 2 cows. The government demands that you give them harmonica lessons.

EUROPEAN CAPITALISM
-You subsidize the first year to buy a 3rd cow. The quotas are fixed in the second year and you pay a fine for overproduction. You are given a bonus the third year to slaughter the 3rd cow.

UK CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY
-Kill one of the cows to feed it to the other. The living cow goes crazy. Europe subsidizes you to slaughter it. You feed it to your sheep.

CAPITALISM IN FRENCH
-To finance the retirement of your cows, the government decides to raise a new tax: the CSSANAB (social contribution of solidarity with our friends the animals). Two years later, as France has recovered part of the British herd, the system is deficient. To finance the deficit, a new tax on milk production is raised: the RAB (reimbursement of bovine slate). The cows go on strike. There is no more milk. The French are in the street: "MILK WANTS MILK". France builds a milk pipeline under the sleeve to get supplies from the English. Europe declares English milk unfit for consumption. A new tax is raised for the maintenance of the milk-line, which has become useless.


:chaud:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Feb 14, 2019 4:26 pm

Rick Hutt wrote:
Thu Feb 07, 2019 2:43 pm
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You think that's a coincidence?

Yes ! These three men were thirsty, just ...

though ...

:wink:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:07 am

Went to the post office today and saw a blond woman hollering into an envelope.
Asked her what she was doing.
She said: "Sending a voicemail!"

Stay loose,
Guitralchemist
David :fume:
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Muse: chg pitch measure rhym feel tempo improvise melody harmonize arpeggios stucco your legato & practice

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montana
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Re: joke of the day

Post by montana » Wed Feb 20, 2019 6:54 am

David Gutowski wrote:
Sat Feb 09, 2019 6:40 am
I told this to my grandson and he was not impressed...probably before his time.


A frog walks into a bank and hops up to the first teller and says he wants to apply for a loan.
The teller politely informs him that she doesn't make loans and he would have to see Ms. Paddy Wack in the loan department.

So, the frog hops over to the friendly loan department and jumps on the desk and asks the loan officer if she can give him a loan.
The loan officer, Ms Paddy Wack, asks the frog what he wants the loan for. The frog says he needs to buy some dried flies to stock up for the winter.

The loan officer tells the frog the bank only makes loans with collateral and he would have to have some to back up the loan. So the frog goes home and brings back his collateral in a brown paper bag. The loan officer, Ms. Patty Wack, opens the bag and is shocked; she just can't figure out what's in the bag.

At that very moment, as fate would have it, the bank manager was walking by the loan department and overheard the conversation. He looked in the bag and said: "It's a nick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

Stay loose,
Guitralchemist
David :fume:
While walking down a country road, Roy Rogers gets attacked by a cougar. The encounter didn't last long with the cougar running off with one of Roy's shoes. The next day Roy and his wife are working in the yard when his wife spots the cougar. Immediately she yells to Roy
...pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?

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Randy Johnson
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Randy Johnson » Fri Feb 22, 2019 5:45 pm

montana wrote:
Wed Feb 20, 2019 6:54 am

While walking down a country road, Roy Rogers gets attacked by a cougar. The encounter didn't last long with the cougar running off with one of Roy's shoes. The next day Roy and his wife are working in the yard when his wife spots the cougar. Immediately she yells to Roy
...pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?

OMG that pretty bad.. :lol:

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sat Feb 23, 2019 7:06 am

Stoicism


- Honey, I'd like to ask you something that has been bothering me for years.
When we argue, alas, and make you angry, you never get angry; you're just going to the bathroom ... and I hear you sing!
But how do you manage your emotions and stay stoic?

- It's simple, I wash the toilet bowl.

- I'm not sure I understand ... How can this help you?

His wife answers:
- Because I use your toothbrush ...

:mrgreen:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sat Feb 23, 2019 7:30 am

Isabelle Frizac wrote:
Sat Feb 23, 2019 7:06 am
- Because I use your toothbrush ...
Love it!
Hey, that gives me an idea!
Not really...good joke, thanks.
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Muse: chg pitch measure rhym feel tempo improvise melody harmonize arpeggios stucco your legato & practice

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Mar 01, 2019 11:54 am

Marie-Berthe, thanks to the progress of science, just had a child at the age of 75 years.
Her neighbors, Odette and Suzanne, come to visit her and see the kid.

- You will see it later! .. For the moment it is not possible. I'm going to make coffee in the meantime.

The afternoon moves on and the neighbors again ask to see her baby.

- No, no, it's still not possible.

So Odette asks:
- But ... why it's not possible?

- I'm waiting for him to cry, I don't remember where I put him down ... !!!!
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sat Mar 02, 2019 2:21 pm

The good advice of the friend

This is the story of a guy who spent the afternoon with his friend in a bar. It's getting late. The friend still wants to pay for his tour but the guy says to his friend:
- Oh no! It's late! My wife is going to bawl me out by entering the house!
- I have something, replied his friend, I enter the house without making noise.
Then, in the bedroom, under the covers, I make love to her.
- Huh? You're sure ?

After his friend reassured him, the guy goes home. He enters the house, the bedroom, then slips under the covers. This is madness. They make love like wild. The antics finished, the man, pleased with his success, gets up to go to the bathroom. He opens the door and comes face to face with his wife, she whispered to him:
- Make no noise my mother is sleeping in our bed.

:P
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:38 am

What is the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
3 hard things for humans: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Muse: chg pitch measure rhym feel tempo improvise melody harmonize arpeggios stucco your legato & practice

Carrillo Concert
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