joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
drvmusic

Re: joke of the day

Post by drvmusic » Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:58 pm

cutnstuf wrote:Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.
:grire: :grire: :grire: :grire: :grire: :bravo:

User avatar
oski79
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 10279
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:12 pm
Location: Sebastopol, California

Re: joke of the day

Post by oski79 » Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:33 pm

Two buddies were playing golf on a desert course. Midway through the round and after a few beers one guy needs to relieve himself, so he goes a few steps into the desert and unzips. Before he knows it a snake he'd startled strikes and bites him on his, uh, unit. He runs out to the fairway screaming to his buddy that he'd been bitten by a snake.

His friends says, "Hey, hang on. I've got a first aid kit in my bag." He runs to his bag, pulls out the guidebook and looks up snakebite. First instruction: If possible, suck the venom from the wound.

"Did you find it?"

"Yeah, got it right here. Where'd he bite you?"

He tells him. "What's it say? What's it say?!?!"

Friend re-reads the instruction, looks at his buddy, and shakes his head.

"It says here.... you gonna die."
“People may say I can’t sing, but no one can ever say I didn’t sing.” --Florence Foster Jenkins

DragonForce15

Re: joke of the day

Post by DragonForce15 » Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:22 pm

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in h*** could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

:D

Notturno

Re: joke of the day

Post by Notturno » Sat Mar 15, 2008 11:17 pm

How many guitar players we need to screw in a light bulb?

Eight.

One screw in and the rest say they can also do it.

David Crooks
Posts: 493
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 4:34 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by David Crooks » Mon Mar 17, 2008 10:05 am

Another drummer joke - apologies to the rhythmically challenged.

A drummer decides he should learn a real musical instrument, so visits a music shop.

"I want to learn a musical instrument," he tells the owner.

"What kind?" the owner asks.

"Dunno ... something I suppose that I can play with by myself, or with other people, and that I can carry around."

The owner thinks, and then says, "You could have a look at the accordions - they're over there."

The drummer disappears into the relevant section, and comes back ten minutes later.

"I'll take that big red one on the wall there."

The owner looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You're a drummer, aren't you."

"Yes," says the drummer. "How did you know?"

"Because that's a radiator."

Rockasaurus

Re: joke of the day

Post by Rockasaurus » Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:56 pm

Here's a riff on a theme:
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
To get to the other slide.

Probably shouldn't admit this, but I "wrote" this one myself.

Cheers,

Roxor

Christy

Re: joke of the day

Post by Christy » Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:05 am

Rockasaurus wrote:Here's a riff on a theme:
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
To get to the other slide.

Probably shouldn't admit this, but I "wrote" this one myself.

Cheers,

Roxor
Why did the chicken cross the Information Super Highway?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
To get to the other site.

Chris

AsturiasFan

Re: joke of the day

Post by AsturiasFan » Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:05 am

Why did the chicken cross the African Savannah?

>

>

>

>
To get to the other Prides.

User avatar
owl
Posts: 10125
Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2005 10:35 am
Location: Australia

Re: joke of the day

Post by owl » Sat Mar 22, 2008 2:18 am

Speaking of chickens! :roll:

"Three-Legged Chickens"

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

Owl :oops:
Never, ever give up!... I leave my songprint on your heart.

solidtop

Re: joke of the day

Post by solidtop » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:01 pm

Why did the elephant cross the road?
>
>
>
>
>
>
It was the chickens day off. :wink:

Rockasaurus

Re: joke of the day

Post by Rockasaurus » Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:50 am

Cool beans, OK, new theme -

Bumper Snickers -
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"DRIVER BRAKES FOR LOOSE WOMEN."

Cheers,

Roxor

Gus C

Re: joke of the day

Post by Gus C » Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:43 am

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Fingerboard

Re: joke of the day

Post by Fingerboard » Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:11 pm

Vesuvio wrote:
Tubbers wrote:Q: What's grey?
A: A melted penguin.
:grire: Gruesome but hilarious!

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

With apologies to all our banjo players, V :wink:
Apologies accepted, my dear Vesuvio. Ha ha ha! I pray that you are well, my friend. Please extend my love to your whole tribe. :)

yours,

Tony

Beginner-p-i-m-a

Re: joke of the day

Post by Beginner-p-i-m-a » Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:20 pm

Why do second violinists make such good murderers?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
It's hard to defend yourself with your hands over your ears

User avatar
oski79
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 10279
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:12 pm
Location: Sebastopol, California

Re: joke of the day

Post by oski79 » Tue Apr 01, 2008 3:31 pm

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And that's where the trouble started.
“People may say I can’t sing, but no one can ever say I didn’t sing.” --Florence Foster Jenkins

Return to “The Café”