joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
User avatar
Vesuvio
Posts: 14275
Joined: Wed Apr 05, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: Northern England

Re: joke of the day

Post by Vesuvio » Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:53 pm

Hello Tony,
Fingerboard wrote:...Please extend my love to your whole tribe...
...and mine to yours. I hope that you are well and happy,

All the best, V :D
"There are only two things worth aiming for, good music and a clean conscience." Paul Hindemith

John O

Re: joke of the day

Post by John O » Tue Apr 01, 2008 7:17 pm

How can you tell that the drum riser is level?











The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Fingerboard

Re: joke of the day

Post by Fingerboard » Wed Apr 02, 2008 2:09 pm

Vesuvio wrote: ...and mine to yours. I hope that you are well and happy,

All the best, V :D
Who wouldn't be well and happy with people like you around, my friend??? Thank you so much! I Pray that you and your love ones are having a grand time!!!

More power to you, my dear friend!

yours,

Tony

Tristram

Re: joke of the day

Post by Tristram » Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:17 pm

Here's a joke from a collection of German humour:

The East German leader Erich Honecker was visiting a school and talked to some of the kids there. He asked a boy:

"Who's your mother?"

"The GDR!", answered the boy cheerfully.

Delighted, Honecker asked:

"Who's your father?"

"Erich Honecker!"

"But that's wonderful to hear. Tell me, lad, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An orphan."

Intune
Posts: 1237
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 1:20 pm
Location: Connecticut, USA

Re: joke of the day

Post by Intune » Tue Apr 08, 2008 6:10 pm

Martha, a quite proper elderly lady, returned home from her annual physical examination with a big grin on her face.
"What are you smiling about?" asked her equally elderly husband, John.
"Well, after examining me the doctor said I had the breasts of an 18-year-old girl," responded Martha.
Suddenly jealous and annoyed, John blurted out: "Is that so....and what did he have to say about your 80-year-old ass?"
Replied Martha: "To tell you the truth, John, your name never came up."
Last edited by Intune on Wed Apr 16, 2008 9:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Intune
2010 Andres Marvi (cedar/Madagascar rosewood)

"...beware of all enterprises that require new clothes..." -- H.D. Thoreau

LanceFortune

Re: joke of the day

Post by LanceFortune » Tue Apr 08, 2008 6:50 pm

Good one, Intune ! :wink:

In the same spirit :

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 53 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I will naturally be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 53 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 53 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. Now, as a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is but one mathematical difference. 18 goes into 53 a lot more times than 53 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

Intune
Posts: 1237
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 1:20 pm
Location: Connecticut, USA

Re: joke of the day

Post by Intune » Tue Apr 08, 2008 7:03 pm

My only "music" joke:

Question: Why did Bach have so many children?
Answer: Because there were no stops on his organ.

(Trust the above didn't cross any lines or offend anyone....all in good fun.)

Intune
Intune
2010 Andres Marvi (cedar/Madagascar rosewood)

"...beware of all enterprises that require new clothes..." -- H.D. Thoreau

User avatar
norban
Posts: 1333
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2004 1:19 pm
Location: Europe

Re: joke of the day

Post by norban » Wed Apr 09, 2008 8:27 am

Intune wrote:My only "music" joke:

Question: Why did Bach have so many children?
Answer: Because there were no stops on his organ.

(Trust the above didn't cross any lines or offend anyone....all in good fun.)

Intune
That reminds me of a joke on a farm:

See, the rooster jumps on the hen several times a day says the wife suggestive to her husband.

And, --- he asks, is it always the same?
A life without music is possible but very poor.

LanceFortune

Re: joke of the day

Post by LanceFortune » Mon Apr 14, 2008 6:28 pm

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have this problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.”

“But… what do they say?” the priest asked inquisitively…

They… say… “Hi, we're hookers! Wanna have some fun?”

“That's obscene!” the priest exclaimed immediately. Then he meditated for a moment.

“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying... THAT... phrase... In NO time.”

Thank you “the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Quite impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we're hookers! Wanna have some fun?”

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank — our prayers have now been answered.”

gazmungus

Re: joke of the day

Post by gazmungus » Mon Apr 14, 2008 7:55 pm

I see that you don't mind a tad of fun on this board, but unfortunately I mainly know rude and offensive jokes :( ,

it'll take me a wee while to go back over the last few pages...

What's brown and lumpy and sits under a piano stool?

Beethovens last movement



How many (electric?!?) guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, he just hold it up and the whole world revolves around him.....

:wink:

User avatar
David
Posts: 2516
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2007 1:38 am
Location: Macedon Ranges, Australia

Re: joke of the day

Post by David » Tue Apr 15, 2008 3:55 am

85 year old man goes to see his doctor."

"What can I do for you Mr Stephens?"

"Doctor, It's about my sex drive."

"What about your sex drive?"

"I want it lowered!"

"Mr Stephens, at your age it's all in your head."

"I know, that's why I want it lowered!!"
"No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong." - Albert Einstein

User avatar
owl
Posts: 10124
Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2005 10:35 am
Location: Australia

Re: joke of the day

Post by owl » Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:40 pm

With apologies to all those loving, caring hubbies out there! :grire:

Owl :mouton:

The Shopping Trip

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang... it was her female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and he was in a critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops, so she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice (complimentary) from the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband... feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and quickly asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care.
And you'll now be his carer!
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed .
The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg... he's dead... let's see what you bought?'
Never, ever give up!... I leave my songprint on your heart.

jdhunt

Re: joke of the day

Post by jdhunt » Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:48 pm

Joke 1:
Q: How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A: You shoot one of them

Joke 2:
George walked in the door one Saturday afternoon after his weekly golf game, and his wife asked, "How was your game today?"

George replied, "Absolutely terrible! I started off on the first hole and hit the drive of my life, 300 yards right onto the green, then sank an incredible 40 foot put. And the whole rest of the day was going like that, best drives of my life, accurate chip shots and never missed a put. Then walking of the 9th hole, Harry had a heart attack!"

His wife remarked "Oh, my! That is terrible!"

George responded, "I know. The whole back nine it was hit the ball and drag Harry, hit ball and drag Harry..."

User avatar
Vesuvio
Posts: 14275
Joined: Wed Apr 05, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: Northern England

Re: joke of the day

Post by Vesuvio » Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:11 pm

Hello Owl,
owl wrote:... The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg... he's dead... let's see what you bought?'
That's naughty! I didn't see that last line coming!

All the best, V :)
"There are only two things worth aiming for, good music and a clean conscience." Paul Hindemith

User avatar
Erik Zurcher
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 17153
Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:38 pm
Location: The Hague, Netherlands

Re: joke of the day

Post by Erik Zurcher » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:51 pm

Man to wife: "Honey, start packing, 'cause I have just won $ 3.000.000 in the lottery!"
Wife: "Wonderful, what should I pack: winter or summerdresses?"
Man: "I don't care, just be gone in 15 minutes!"
Reedition Domingo Esteso by Conde Hermanos 2004; Kenny Hill, model Barcelona 2001
"While you try to master classical guitar, prepare for a slave's life: the guitar will forever be your master and you its slave".

Return to “The Café”